Dearest Noel,



I am so happy to FINALLY (yes, I need to highlight each letter) see you in person. It was a few hours but the experience of seeing the REAL you was worth the wait.



I noticed that I have been taking bold decisions lately.



I never liked the color red. But, there was one time when I tried painting my nails with that color. I loaned cash for my black celphone. I planned to start saving to own a house and even texted you that I wanted to see you again. My actions are surprising me. Or maybe I surprise myself for some things that unexpected things can happen in a snap.



I wanted to tell you some things but too shy to say it to you in person. I am afraid you would take advantage of it. I am afraid that things may not be what it is now. Everything is quite stable. I do not want to rush but there are some truths that I am holding back. Not wanting to say. Maybe, writing for you gives me enough freedom to express it in details.



I realized that I do not have to keep quiet (just like what usually happens when I meet someone for the first time). Don't have to observe your every move when I last saw you. I do not have to over-analyze everything. I jut go with the flow. I also felt the nerves but I thought if I would feel unfortable too, who would be not? It was like I am a child excited to let things happen.



I wanted to know you more.

I am thinking of you, too when you texted. I also want to spend more hours with you. Some place where we could talk or just sit beside each other.

Yours,

Andrea

Review My Kisses

I don't have much time to blog something for you but I'll be posting something tonight.


I'm only happy when I'm with you
I only feel good when I'm talking to you
And I'm a mess when you don't call me
Call me at night
Where did you go?
Where did you go?
And did you think of me?

It's hard to breath when my heart is sinking
I'm slipping fast as I'm reaching for you
It's gonna hurt 'cause I have been there before
Can't take much more
Can't take another night
Without you here beside me

I want to review my kisses
On every inch of your body
I want to reveal my secrets
That only you should know
I feel all this pain inside me
That only your lips can make better
I wanna review my kisses
So you won't forget that you are mine

Don't wanna care more than you do
Don't wanna be the one who's out in the rain
Don't wanna get that call where you sound so cold
So far away, So far away
Like the distant roll of thunder

I want to review my kisses
On every inch of your body
I want to reveal my secrets
That only you should know
I feel all this pain inside me
That only your lips can make better
I wanna review my kisses
So you won't forget that you are mine

It's a cave in the darkness
And I'm lost inside you
Don't go...

I want to review my kisses
On every inch of your body
I want to reveal my secrets
That only you should know
I feel all this pain inside me
That only your lips can make better
I wanna review my kisses
So you won't forget that you are mine

I know. He is Special.

I am reading the book of Paulo Coelho's "By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept". I haven't been to the meaty parts but the preface and the author's note are simple yet making me so vulnerable. Again.

I do not know if you still find time to check this blog. I do not hear much from you. Texting is available but we do not use it as often as others do. Emails stopped. And, one day I realized you are slowly slipping out of my life.

Or maybe not. I am just thinking like crazy.

Or maybe you are still having those tough times and you do not feel like writing back.

But whatever it is, I just want to tell you this.

Thank you.

Thank you for letting me in in your life and
making me feel special.

It means a lot to me. Just how you meant to me.

I can't afford to lose you.

But I am hopeful to see you again in the future, how soon? I do not know when. I just know it will happen.

I wish you all the best of things. You deserve it.
You are a wonderful writer/friend/person.

You are a treasure people should keep.

I know you will find your way as soon as the dust settles.

Just do not forget me when you finally found it.
God bless you, Noel.

Rain came down,

hard and soft -

It hit the grass. Green

and wet

wet

so wet

It reminded me of you.

you always smell like rain...

Turn on The TV

18 April 2008
1:51am

Andrea didn’t turn on the TV. She didn’t mind the change of plans or even the expectations she was thinking before Noel walked inside the room. What is important is that, you are here. I feel needed. I am here to be with you. That’s it.
Noel held her tighter. Enough to make Andrea feel that Noel was thinking again of something but not ready to give the details. She has been anticipating to know what was wrong. She’s been having the gut feeling that he might be in a difficult situation. She wanted to be there for him, too. But now, Noel only asks for her presence. She obeyed.
They both fell asleep. They may not be wearing clothes but the feeling of being together is warmer than having something on. Noel looked like a child when he was holding Andrea. Innocent and craving.


It’s 1:15 in the morning when Andrea woke up. The warm feel of Noel’s skin a while ago was gone. Noel lay on the other side of the bed. Noel turned its back on her. She was left exposed to the cold breeze of near dawn. She looked at Noel and saw him at deep sleep. She grabbed a blanket and covered her body. She moved closer to Noel and looked at him again this time – closer, longer. She listened to his breathing. She stretched the blanket and shared it with Noel. He might feel cold later.
While looking at him, Andrea suddenly felt that she missed him. She is with him, but the last couple of days, it looked like he is not acting to be him. Or maybe Andrea haven’t seen the other side of Noel. It was like only this time, his silence became disturbing. She doesn’t want to worry herself. She would want to support him. Andrea gives Noel a significant amount of time. He might be composing himself before he finally share the things that bother him. She leaned closer to him. She ran her fingernails to Noel’s back, then his shoulders in a slow circular motion. She kissed him on his cheeks. Noel is still in deep slumber. She smiled knowing she didn’t wake him up. Now, Andrea wrapped her arms around Noel’s body. Her head rests on Noel’s back.

I won’t go anywhere. As long as you want me to be, I won’t run away. Andrea thought.

Ikaw

8 April 2008
1:50pm

Yeah, you guessed it right, I wrote this after your call. I have to breathe and release something to get your voice out of my mind for a little while. It's not because I hate it. It just keeps on ringing like a telephone. Uhm, enough said. I don't want to elaborate because your voice will go back to my senses and I'll go crazy - again.

Pangalan ko ang huli kong narinig sa iyong bibig. Malinaw. Kahit may kasamang ungol ang mga ito, maganda pa rin sa pandinig marahil dahil sa iyo ito nagmula.

Sinisimulan mo na muling angkinin ang aking isip. Hindi ako papayag. Ang boses na pumapailanlang sa kwartong ito ay dinuduyan ang aking kamalayan. Nilalabanan ko ang init na nagmumula sa iyong paghinga, sa iyong pawis at sa iyong katawan. Hindi kita mapapahinto at hindi mo rin ako mapapagalaw. Kailangan may isang magbigay, magparaya. Ako iyon. Pero, hindi ko lahat mabibigay ang nais mo. Alam mong hindi ako sanay sa ganito. Pakikinggan lamang kita. Kaunting kataga lang ang sasambitin ko para ganahan ka. Gusto kitang marinig habang iniisip mo ako, habang humihinga ka ng malalim, sinisigaw ang pangalan ko hanggang sa labasan ka.

Wala namang nagbago. Ikaw pa rin si Noel. Ikaw pa rin ang taong malayo sa tabi ko ngunit malapit sa aking isip. Ang taong kaya akong hawakan at pasibikin kahit hindi nasasaling. Ikaw pa rin ang taong may mayamang utak na paminsan-minsan kong napaglalaruan at nakakausap. Ikaw pa rin. Ikaw.

Isa

I wrote this last April 5, 10:45pm. I think I wanted to continue an in-between part that you wrote in In Bed. Here it is..

Isa-isa ko ng binabaklas ang mga kalasag na dati ay tumatakip sa buo kong pagkatao. Isinusubok ang paliko-likong daan maliban sa diretsong direksyon. Kahit alam ko, alam mo na ang diretsong iyon ang pinakamadali, iisa ang pareho nating naiisip – makilala ang isa’t isa - ng mas malalim. Hindi kailanman naging dahilan ang distansya – kahit edad, o kaibahan ng wika. Ang tanging totoo lamang ay iisa kayo sa damdamin, sa puso.

Malayo na naman ang iniisip mo. Kitang-kita ko na nag-aalala ka na naman kung ano ang nararamdaman ko, kung matatakot ako sa gagawin mo, kung sasang-ayon ako o tatakbo palayo. Hindi naman ako nagpatalo, takot akong magkamali, baka masaktan ka at maiwan ako, baka magalit ka at lumisan. Nakakatawa. Iisa lang ang gusto natin, ang puno’t dulo ng pinipintig ng ating pulso pero masyado tayong nag-iisip. Hindi kikilos ang isa kung walang gagawin ang kabila. Kinuha ko ang iyong kamay at tulad ng iyong sinabi, napakalambot nito. Tamang-tama lamang na dampian ng init ng aking pisngi. Huwag ka masyadong mag-alala. Hindi ako aalis. Hinalikan ko ang palad mo at nakita kong nawala ang agam-agam sa iyong mukha. Kaunting sandali pa ay nasilayan ko na muli ang ngiti mo. Sumaya ako.

Pinunan ko ang blangkong espasyo na naghihiwalay sa atin sa kamang iyon. Lumapit pa ng kaunti at nararamdaman kong bumibilis ang pintig ng iyong kamay. Nakatingin ka sa akin at marahil hinihintay mo ang susunod kong gagawin. Isang dipa pa, umusog akong muli at kinuha ang iyong kabilang kamay at ipinatong sa aking bewang. Tamang-tama lamang. Nagbuntung-hininga ka at kinagat ang iyong labi. Mukhang handa ka na.

Sa wakas, gumalaw ka at nakita kong nabuhay ang mga ugat sa iyong katawan nagawa mong bumangon sa wakes. Kinulong mo ako sa loob ng iyong mga bisig. Ang kakaibang aura sa mukha mo ay nasa ibabaw ko at nakatingin ako sa iyo na para kang ulap. Hinawakan ko ng dalawang kamay ang pareho mong bisig, pinagapang pataas sa iyong balikat hanggang umabot sa iyong bewang at saka ka hinila dahan-dahan, pababa sa aking katawan. Umiikot ang kilos natin. May isang gagalaw ang isa naman ay susunod kapag tumigil ito, kikilos naman ang nagpaubaya kanina at susunod ang isa.

Palaisipan pa rin sa akin ang ngiti mo kanina. Hula ko, may binabalak ka na naman.

Quiet Moments

I finished writing the intro before you texted me.


I am almost through with my laundry. I hate to admit it, but I am starting to miss you – yeah you and your letters. Though it really excites me when I am reading your stories, but it is still different when we talk on letters. I am actually having a vibe that you are not feeling my story. Hahaha! Really. But, it’s ok. I would love it if you would give me constructive criticisms. I won’t take it personally. =)

Since I told you that I am almost through with my laundry, probably you would sense that my body is actually wanting to feel that bed and soft pillow now. It really is. But I am thinking of you, and my mind is wandering again. So, I really need to write before my high run low. =)


Andrea had a long day. Aside from that, she’s still washing her clothes until midnight. She sat in front of her computer and started typing. This is how she rests. As if the computer can listen to what her mind says and make her settle down. Or maybe she’s thinking of Noel who might be able to listen to her even in her silence. She closed her eyes and started to stretch her neck. Do you want a massage? Who is that? She asked. Maybe she’s just tired. But yeah, she would love to feel someone else’s touch tonight. Something that would give her arm muscles a soothing touch. Yes, I want a massage. Closed her eyes again. Suddenly, a picture of Noel popped. She misses him more as days and nights go by. At this moment, she wants to feel him. She wouldn’t mind if Noel knows how to massage or not. Maybe the thought of him soothes her. She knew that this guy made her happy and a little touch there, press that wouldn’t hurt. She thought of Noel sitting just right beside her. Watching her while she types. She paused for a moment while thinking of what to type next but Noel, grabbed the opportunity to make his girl relax. She imagined that Noel would push the drawer-like wood where the keyboard is placed. Hold her two hands to stop her from typing and lead her to the bed. Letting their selves sit beside each other. Noel would whisper soft words that Andrea can barely understand, Noel is telling her how he misses her and how he loves her so much. But the sound of his voice and the breath he exhales when he talks made her close her eyes. Andrea’s most sensitive sense is her ears. She didn’t mind what he just told her, she just want to feel the sound of his voice, as if hypnotizing her. It turned her on. Noel didn’t know if Andrea understood what he said or even paying attention to him. He saw him closing her eyes in a very slow sensual motion. He didn’t know what he did but looking at her at this angle where he could see the right side her face excited him more to do something for her.

Andrea thought that she likes it when Noel takes control of her and her body. She is dominant most of the times and tries to be on the lead from other people but she finds Noel is an exception. She knows how Noel look like when he gets excited and Andrea, too will be thrilled to know what will happen next. What would he do now this time she thought. Noel put his hands on Andrea’s back and start pressing. Few more pressing, Noel notice that Andrea is loving it. She loves the way I touch her, every time, he thought. His hands go down her spine and it made Andrea moan softly. Everything feels good. Is he a masseuse? Noel knows where to put his hands and where to press it hard, except it is becoming more sensual she thought. When Noel reached the bottom of her spine, his hands crawled under her shirt. He felt how warm her back is, his hands wandered more going to her waist, her stomach. She’s warm and he embraced her. Andrea felt his hands and she let them. She can feel his warmth too. She put her hands under her shirt and placed it over Noel’s hands. He rests his chin on Andrea’s left shoulder. Closed his eyes too. She can feel his breathing. She can also feel the beat of his heart from her back. Those are just one of the quiet times Andrea want to spend the night with someone. Someone like Noel.

Liham

Dear Noel,

Hindi ko inaasahang mangyayari ang lahat ng ito. Nagsimula sa simpleng pagdagdag ko sa iyo sa aking mga listahan ng kaibigan sa Multiply at ngayon ay kaulayaw ko na sa aking isipan – sa kadulu-duluhan at kadilim-diliman. Andun ka. Kasama ka. Mukhang unti-unti ko nang naaangkin ang diwa mo. Pantasya mo. Kinagigiliwan ko ang bawat kabanata ng iyong maiikling kwento noon. Magpasahanggang ngayon, ang mga talata ng iyong kwento ay unti-unti nagsasanib ng pwersa upang pawiin ang normal na tibok ng aking dibdib. Bumibilis. Tila isang makinang nilalarawan lahat ng eksenang ipinapaloob mo sa iyong kwento. Parang sine.

Minsan, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Para akong isang kandila na tinutunaw ng iyong salita. Unti-unting nauupos. Unti-unti lumiliwanag. Dahan-dahan natatalo ng init ng apoy ang serang tumatakip sa sinulid. Napapabuntong-hininga tuloy ako. Madalas. Nakakatuwa kung paano mo rin nalalaro ang isipan ko sa ganitong paraan.

Tag-init na nga ngunit madali rin akong makaramdam ng lamig sa gabi. Nag-iisip. Nalulungkot. At malimit sa mga gabing iyon ang pagnanasa kong sana ikaw ang katabi ko sa gabing iyon. Ikaw ang maghahatid ng init sa aking katawan. Ikaw ang yayapos sa aking hubad nang katauhan. Doon lamang sa sandaling iyon, mapapangiti mo ako.

Hindi ko maitatanggi na ikaw ang madalas na nagiging dahilan kung bakit nakakaramdam ako ng kagustuhang hawakan ang aking sarili. Kung bakit bumibilis ang daloy ng aking dugo. Kung bakit kailangan kong ibaba ang aking kamay at gawin ang dapat gawin. Kung bakit kailangan kong pumikit at alalahanin ka at ang mga kwento mong ubod ng init. Kung bakit ang maselang parte ng aking katawan ay namamasa at nais kong isigaw ang ngalan mo na parang ikaw ang kasiping ko sa oras na iyon. Sa paglabas ng likidong naipon sa loob ng aking puson. Mamamalayan na lamang na mag-isa lang pala ako.

Nahuli ko ang sarili ko kagabi. Ikaw nga iyon at napanaginipan kita. Siguro, nasobrahan ang aking utak sa pag-iisip sa mga kwento mo. Mga linyang nagpaliyab ng aking lunggati. Madilim sa kwarto ngunit sa lapit ng pagkakadikit ng ating mga katawan aninag ng mga mata ko ang hugis ng iyong mukha, ang mata mo kung saan nakikita ko ang repleksyon ng aking sarili. At ang mga labi mong agad kong hinalikan. Isang mainit na halik na noon ko pa gustong gawin. Hinimas ko ang buhok mo at hinalikan ka sa noo. Ramdam ko ang maselang parte ng iyong katawan na nagsisimula ng magalit. Alam kong nais na nitong pasukin ang kaibuturan ng aking pagkababae pero parehong ayaw natin magmadali. Para bang may kabang namumuhay sa ating mga dibdib na maaaring ito na ang huling pagtatagpo ng ating mga diwa, puso at, oo, mga hubad na katawan. Pareho nating gusto ang iisang bagay – maging isa. Wala ng puwang ang mga salita. Dahil ang mensahe ay nasa ating ginagawa.

Muli, lumaya ako sa piling mo.



Sa kasalukuyang nakikinig sa kantang : I Still Believe - Mariah Carey F. Krayzie Bone

Vulnerability

I’m running out of words already.

It’s like I need to divert my mind to something else before I can finally put the right words in the right places.

It’s not that I’m tired of doing it, but my mind seems to crave for a break.

I need something to be inspired. Need to see. Need to touch. Need to feel.

Anything will do.

My heart is as sensitive as a feather. Easily blown away.

It’s the slightest touch that can break it in two.

I'll be honest. I am afraid. I usually pretend to be strong.

I will admit that most of the times, I thought of the past.

People going in and out. Hurt. No formal goodbyes.

But, I might let things happen as they are.

As you said, no worrying too much.

Cherish the moment. Have fun.

Wait the flowers to bloom without forcing the buds.